My dear friends
So, our dear sister, 54-year-old, mother-of-five Martha Zuma
is being buried in Pietermaritzburg today. Her sudden death on Monday shocked us.
Probably, what made the pain more acute was the freshness of the memory of her warm voice
on Radio Khwezi the previous Thursday.
The presenter of the women's programme "Masiwe
ngedolo" (Let us go on our knees), Lindiwe Phungula, relates how Martha approached
her and expressed the desire to share something from her life-story with the listeners. In
fact, Martha said that she had prayed that she would not die before having this
opportunity. The message was for everyone but Martha's special focus was young people who
had reached a marriageable age.
In a moving way Martha used her story to illustrate the
personal pain of a failed marriage and how others are affected by it. She got married at
18; seven years later she packed her goods and left her husband. She wept quietely as she
turned her back on her five-year-old son, Sibonelo.
When Martha left her home for Durban she was one month
pregnant. Her husband claimed the child was not his and used that as the basis for a
divorce. That wounded her deeply because she had no doubt that the baby was his.
In Durban Martha's friends advised her to abort the baby as
it would frustrate her plans towards a new life of freedom. She thanks God that in the
daze of those moments it was as clear as daylight to her that killing her baby was not an
option for her. Her friends deserted her and she suffered greatly.
Eight months into Martha's pregnancy a white lady felt for
her and offered her some form of employment. Martha says it was this lady that saw to all
the needs of her baby daughter when she was born. I suppose this is part of the unwritten
story from the "old South Africa."
Looking back, Martha attributes the failure of her marriage
to her impatience with her husband. At that time she felt that she was young and well
capable of venturing on her own. The reality out there proved to be very different and she
regrets her decision. With hindsight she realises that there are practical positive steps
that she could have taken to save her marriage.
Martha touched on family dynamics that play a role in the
failure or success of a marriage. In her case she had an adoring father-in-law. The
mother-in-law had a fierce temper but Martha had found a way of cooling her down - a quick
hot cup of tea. One of the sisters-in-law made life very difficult for Martha but she
decided the best response was not to talk back.
There is something of a cultural element here, the fact that
in African communities a bride comes to serve her in-laws. Amongst the Zulus when a young
man proposes a common phrase used is "Ngifuna uzongibhekela abazali bami" (I
want you to look after my parents).
Of course, with modernisation of society there is a gradual
(sometimes radical) change in this respect as well, as the following story sent to me by a
friend illustrates:
'The new wife (progressive black woman of
today) was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for
welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does
not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine."
"What do you mean Bapongoshi?"
asked the patriarch of the family.
"What I mean Dad is: Those who used to
wash dishes, must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry, must carry on
doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account. Those who used to clean, should clean.
As for me, I'm here just to entertain your
son!"
"YOU GO BACK SISTA!!!"'
In her talk Martha pleaded for an open and harmonious
relationship especially between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. She emphasised that
if and when she gets a daughter-in-law she will accept and treat her like a beloved
daughter.
It was with an anguished voice that Martha described ongoing
tensions between divorced couples over the children. She told of how her husband later
came and claimed back the daughter he had disowned as a baby. Whenever the children came
over to her the father was distressed; the same with her when she saw them off to him.
A turning point in Martha's life was when she met with our
Lord and Saviour. After her divorce she had messed up her life even further. When the Lord
came into her heart she got a thorough clean-up and a genuine new start. That is how she
got a new perspective on her failed marriage.
It was touching to hear Martha say repeatedly, "I take
responsibility for what happened. I failed. It's me."
Her passionate plea with young people will certainly be
remembered for a long time. She wished that none of them would experience the pain that
she did. Her prayer is that young people meet with the Lord, learn to walk with Him and to
seek His face when it comes to finding the right life-partner. She warned against grabbing
marriage by force and stressed that young people should ensure a firm foundation by
waiting on the Lord.
Martha is saddened by the unnecessary suffering that
children are subjected to when parents go their separate ways. She maintains that children
should be brought up jointly by their father and mother, under one roof.
A great consolation for Martha was that Sibonelo, now in his
mid-30s, also met with the Lord and got saved. That led to a wonderful mutual
understanding and cooperation between mother and son.
Towards the end of her radio talk Martha said that even
though she had clear views on what a healthy relationship would be between her and her
future daughter-in-law she might not live long enough to meet her. Who would have thought
that she would be gone within a matter of days
In announcing Martha's death Radio Khwezi added her calm
voice as she referred to Psalm 138:1-2, 8, with a special emphasis on verse 8,
"The LORD will fulfil his purpose
for me; your love, O LORD, endures for ever—do not abandon the works of your
hands."
Have a blessed week.
Pressing on!
In His love
Fano Sibisi
